Wedding Game Plan #234

When you decide to get hitched, no one will ask you anything that doesn’t pertain to your imminent hitching until you get your damn self hitched. You can learn to breathe fire while tight rope walking and people will still be like, “Uh huh, girl, that’s cool, so are you having bridesmaids?”

In my twenties I was an attention whore to the nth degree. I did a lot of things that I wouldn’t in a million years do now. We don’t even need to discuss that shit. Suffice to say, I was rather self obsessed (as we tend to be at 22) and took myself very seriously. Nowadays, it’s hard for me to take anything very seriously. Especially myself. Therefore, talking endlessly about myself and this ONE DAY that I’m planning A FUCKING YEAR FROM NOW is uncomfortable. I’ve never felt more narcissistic than I have this last month while discussing our upcoming nuptials.

Every time we see friends, co-workers or I see clients at work everyone asks. And we have nothing to tell them. No planning has been done. We have no more idea now than we did two months ago and I’m pretty okay with that.

My newest fantasy is to say fuck it all and get married on a glacier in Iceland.

Did you know how effin’ cheap it is to fly to Iceland and use it as a stopover to get to Europe? IcelandAir is trying to bump up tourism by encouraging people to fly there before hopping over to Europe. You can book a ticket to multiple cities from their website. A trip from Seattle to Iceland to Amsterdamn and back home costs only $980! So cheap!!! Add to that I’ve been wanting to go to Iceland as long as I can remember and it seems a perfect way to combine wedding and honeymoon plans.

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Iceland_Chapel

But come on!!! How can you not love that?? Oh and I did I mention the abundance of ponies?

Iceland - Lon Valley: Eastfjord Ponies

Emo ponies!

I like polls. They entertain me.

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Finding Deep Meaning In Wedding Quizzes

What did I promise? Drunken or ambien laced blog posts, that’s what I promised. And receive you shall. Even though it just took me four times to spell receive right. Damn “I after E except after C” rule.

Tonight we dined (and by we I mean me and the dogs since the mister is out of town) on a taco truck burrito, a glass of red wine and just a smidgen of ambien. But a smidge, my loves, just a smidge.

What better thing to do on a night in alone than watch soul crushing, mind numbing wedding tv shows while taking the most vapid quizzes a girl could possibly find? Well, by George, I’d love to. And I don’t even know George.

My googling led me to this plethora of quizzes over at The Knot. Get it…the knot…haaa….aaa..a….aaaaah. Yup. I sort of already hate the Knot because bitches be getting paid to write such trifle. Also, it’s everything I don’t want to be in a bride. I don’t want to be desperately shouting at people on message boards about where I can possibly get the best ribbons to tie the ombre kittens to the balloons with.

Kitten reaching up at a balloon

I just can’t be that girl. Instead I’ll be the weirdo in the corner, getting drunk, having deep self worth issues and wishing I could make myself feel what I should be feeling about this whole day.

Depressive people are generally unable to imagine a happier life for themselves. It’s something about how we don’t think we deserve it. So take a life long depressive and tell her she gets one day where she can do whatever the fuck she wants, be the center of attention, wear a dress made of rhinestones and tutus, boss everyone around and make her every magical wish come true…well, you’ve got one deer in the headlights motherfucker staring back at you.

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Just wheel this girl down the isle. No one will be the wiser.

(By the way Gord Wilding is the genius behind that epic piece. )

Due to my darling Ambien I couldn’t help but take a quiz on The Knot to see what my “bridal style” should be. After only 12 questions, my deepest desires were revealed!

“You’re a Casually Elegant Gal

Down-to-earth and still sophisticated, your wedding will be fun but not fussy. From gorgeous details (lots of leaves and ferns?) to a splendid location (botanical garden or a state park?), your wedding will be fabulous…naturally. Our advice: Don’t forget a burst of color. With a nature-inspired palette, it’s easy to have too much brown and moss green, so think beyond foliage and go for pops of unconventional color in hues such as chocolate brown and tangerine.”

I was unaware that chocolate brown was an unconventional pop of color. But hell if you’re pairing it with tangerine!
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I’m not entirely sure what’s happening up there. I get that fall colors can be hard. Everyone thinks oranges, yellows, reds and…browns. It’s like you just described a drippy cheeseburger or a used maxi pad. It’s not a romantic color combo.
Dare I say that The Knot was NOT right about my bridal style? I do dare say that. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to take the screwball quizzes that some sweet and more than likely talented girl had to bang out, hopefully while half drunk and watching Pretty Wild on Netflix.
Quiz on, my comrade!!