Give Me Baby Elephant Money, Dammit

Now that I’ve been dress shopping 2,734 times, I am an expert on everything. Everything that is white, fluffy, uncomfortable, lacy and ill fitting. And now after the last two weeks I am swiftly becoming an expert at selling the first wedding dress you bought but decided you didn’t want on-line to desperate brides.

I will intersperse pictures of animals that are adorable because science shows that posts without pictures makes people die inside a little. But pictures of puppies warm your cold dead cockles.

(Did you know that cockles are a type of clams? So I’m warming your dead clams basically.)



Dude I love clams!

Step one:

List your unwanted, never worn $1,200 dress on a few websites devoted to selling used wedding dresses to bargain shopping brides. I threw mine onto Once Wed and Pre Owned Wedding Dresses. That’s my ad, that’s my dress. Buy it. It’s gorgeous. There’s not a thing wrong with it other than it’s way too classy of a dress for me.

Step two:

Sort through multiple e-mails a day asking redundant questions making it obvious that the sender didn’t read the god damn ad which gives every bit of information one needs. Sigh deeply, take more photos of your dress, explain the measurements and condition again. Explain that you never wore it. You never spilled champagne on it. You didn’t get sperm on it during a frisky limo ride. You didn’t barf on it and try to clean it with a Tide pen.

funny dogs-03

Step three:

Get this message in response:

Great! I am glad the dress is still available. I want to know if the dress has ever been worn and altered in the previous time? I will like to know if it’s in excellent condition. I understand that pictures does not do the justice of the beauty of the dress, but I’m afraid that I can not come to try the dress on as I am not local. So if there’s any way you could attach and send me a few pictures to have a closer view better and larger than the pictures posted on your listing will be a good idea. I look forward to hearing from you for further discussion. Talk to you soon. 

Turn to your fiancé, who is snort laughing at Reddit while next to you on the couch and ask him to read it and tell you if it sounds like a Nigerian Prince type scam. Believe him when he says no, that it sounds like someone who doesn’t speak english as their first language.


Step four:

Engage in lengthy e-mail sessions with “Janelle” the non-local desirer of your dress. Give her copious details, send more photos, discuss the specific sizing of the designers dresses. Go back and forth about it in over 15 e-mails.

Step five: 

Drunkenly check an incoming message while having a Cards Against Humanity get together party at your house. Read to the gathered persons that “Janelle’s” fiancé has agreed to buy the dress for her and that she will even pay for shipping. He will gladly pay me with a personal check.


Tell “Janelle” that a personal check is not acceptable, give her acceptable payment info, never hear from her again.


Step six:

Get four e-mails a day asking “what is the absolute least amount of money you’ll take for this dress?”.

Bang head against wall.


Step seven:

Earn good karma points for not selling the dress to a girl who lives in London because she was willing to pay shipping which would have been over a hundred dollars for some fucking reason. Tell her for the amount she could get the dress brand spankin’ new. Feel terrible and happy at the same time when she thanks you profusely for not duping her.

Step eight:

Consider taking $800 and being done with it.

Step nine:

Have intense fantasies about the way you’re going to style your new wedding dress. You can’t spend all your time thinking about that other pesky dress.


Step ten:

Irritate your fiancé by having three wedding dresses hanging in the living room. The one you’re trying to sell, the one you’re actually getting married in and your late grandmother’s wedding dress from the 1920’s that your mom gave to you after her memorial.

Step 11:

Write a lackluster blog post about trying to sell your wedding dress while your dog farts audibly beside you on the couch. Hope that someone will buy the damn dress so that you can use the money to hang out with elephants in Thailand on your honeymoon.





And just for good measure…To make sure your cockles are piping hot….