I’m Still Getting Married…

Here’s the nutshell version of the past few months:

-Put deposit on venue.

-Venue ignores all attempts to contact them for three months.

-Buy wedding dress.

-Get dress home, decide I hate it and feel like shit.

-Buy new wedding dress for less than half of what the first cost.

-Have all out fights over honeymoon planning and question if we could ever travel with each other ANYWHERE due to our vastly different desires and travel styles.

-Pitch Thailand as a honeymoon destination and get what was either an enthusiastic yes or a shut-the-fuck-up-FINE yes.

-Finally get in contact with venue, find out they upped their day rate to $33,000. But that we’re grandfathered in at the old rates.

-$33,000!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Plan epic vegan wedding feast with amazing chef at venue.

-Have random bouts of self hatred for caring so much about one day.

-Fiance decides he wants a giant American flag hanging behind us during the ceremony.

-Future mother-in-law suggests that our colors be red, white and blue because of said flag.

-Suppress urge to vomit at the thought of having “colors” let alone red, white and blue.

-Show mother-in-law bookmarked ideas for wedding decor/style and slowly shrink into a ball of nerves as she politely hates everything.

-Have weeping hour long talk with my father, achieving a level of cuntiness that I never thought possible.

-Have more bouts of self hatred for putting my father through that and for caring about a wedding in general.

-Feel like a raging narcissist.

-Wish we had eloped.

-Get asked 34 times a day by co-workers, clients and friends about how the wedding planning is going resulting in never wanting to blog about it.

-Look over at my dude,  breathe a sigh of relief that I still love that motherfucker and I’m so happy that I’m spending my life with him.

That pretty much sums up everything that has happened in the last few months. I have some hilarious dress shopping stories to share so I’ll blog a little more over the next few days.

 

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Cake Cutters and Mom Dresses

Fresh off a plane that delivered us from the sun drenched burrito capital of the world, San Diego, I sent my dear fiance off to bed and promptly took a more powerful ambien then I have taken in a while. What better time than now to delve into some deep internet mining. Deep into the looming, cavernous mountain of wedding blogs! What treasures can we drag forth from there? What beauty shall I claim as my own? What clever save the date card can I spy and immediately shout at my computer screen, “THAT IS SO MEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Yes, ambien makes me write this way but the wedding bullshit only adds to the crazy. Because really, I ACTUALLY AM supposed to be finding things that speak to me.

My future mother-in-law held up a cake cutter to me as we were picking up a cake for her husband’s retirement party, “See how pretty this is with the beads?” She turning it so that I could admire the bead work and ribbons on the handle. “We could do something like this for you guys but make it unique to you.”

Thought process (ambien style):

-I need a cake cutter?

-I need a special, decorated cake cutter?

-I need to decorate a cake cutter so that it captures the unique theme/personality of our wedding?

-A cake cutter handle is what I should be thinking about right now?

She also told me earlier in the day that traditionally the bride’s mother picks out her dress for the wedding first and then the groom’s mother can pick her dress based off of that. “So there’s no stepping on toes, colors clashing or wildly different styles. ”

Wha…huh? Really? I just kind of figured we’re the type of families who don’t give fucks about such things. I assumed there would be things we’d be skipping. Such as but not limited to:

-Assigned seating

-Favors

-The chicken dance

-the garter toss or even the bouquet for that matter unless bitches be into it.

-Bridal showers/ engagement parties

-four course meals

That’s all I can think of for now….

Was there anything you really wished you WOULD HAVE done at your wedding or something that will be a non negotiable for you when you do marry?

I thought we were past a lot of the weird rules but they keep popping up. There are no rights and wrongs in weddings. But there’s a whole lot of bonkers shit to think about.

Finding Deep Meaning In Wedding Quizzes

What did I promise? Drunken or ambien laced blog posts, that’s what I promised. And receive you shall. Even though it just took me four times to spell receive right. Damn “I after E except after C” rule.

Tonight we dined (and by we I mean me and the dogs since the mister is out of town) on a taco truck burrito, a glass of red wine and just a smidgen of ambien. But a smidge, my loves, just a smidge.

What better thing to do on a night in alone than watch soul crushing, mind numbing wedding tv shows while taking the most vapid quizzes a girl could possibly find? Well, by George, I’d love to. And I don’t even know George.

My googling led me to this plethora of quizzes over at The Knot. Get it…the knot…haaa….aaa..a….aaaaah. Yup. I sort of already hate the Knot because bitches be getting paid to write such trifle. Also, it’s everything I don’t want to be in a bride. I don’t want to be desperately shouting at people on message boards about where I can possibly get the best ribbons to tie the ombre kittens to the balloons with.

Kitten reaching up at a balloon

I just can’t be that girl. Instead I’ll be the weirdo in the corner, getting drunk, having deep self worth issues and wishing I could make myself feel what I should be feeling about this whole day.

Depressive people are generally unable to imagine a happier life for themselves. It’s something about how we don’t think we deserve it. So take a life long depressive and tell her she gets one day where she can do whatever the fuck she wants, be the center of attention, wear a dress made of rhinestones and tutus, boss everyone around and make her every magical wish come true…well, you’ve got one deer in the headlights motherfucker staring back at you.

deer-bride_ftPGt_1333

Just wheel this girl down the isle. No one will be the wiser.

(By the way Gord Wilding is the genius behind that epic piece. )

Due to my darling Ambien I couldn’t help but take a quiz on The Knot to see what my “bridal style” should be. After only 12 questions, my deepest desires were revealed!

“You’re a Casually Elegant Gal

Down-to-earth and still sophisticated, your wedding will be fun but not fussy. From gorgeous details (lots of leaves and ferns?) to a splendid location (botanical garden or a state park?), your wedding will be fabulous…naturally. Our advice: Don’t forget a burst of color. With a nature-inspired palette, it’s easy to have too much brown and moss green, so think beyond foliage and go for pops of unconventional color in hues such as chocolate brown and tangerine.”

I was unaware that chocolate brown was an unconventional pop of color. But hell if you’re pairing it with tangerine!
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I’m not entirely sure what’s happening up there. I get that fall colors can be hard. Everyone thinks oranges, yellows, reds and…browns. It’s like you just described a drippy cheeseburger or a used maxi pad. It’s not a romantic color combo.
Dare I say that The Knot was NOT right about my bridal style? I do dare say that. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to take the screwball quizzes that some sweet and more than likely talented girl had to bang out, hopefully while half drunk and watching Pretty Wild on Netflix.
Quiz on, my comrade!!