Wedding Plan #456 and #457 Thwarted.

There are no original thoughts in this world. Especially when it comes to weddings. Oh, your gothic cemetery wedding where you get wheeled down the the isle in a coffin? It’s been done, betch. Your adorable carnival themed wedding? Has been done better than you could do it.  Want a gorgeous and classy Alice and Wonderland theme? Too bad, they did it and they did it good. And don’t even start with your Little Mermaid shit because you got nothing on this broad.

My dreams (and by dreams I mean random thought I had while drunk) of getting married at the witch’s mouth at Enchanted Forest have been dashed due to them being fussy about renting out the entire park to me. I will not stand in line to ride the log ride on my wedding day! I figured since they close on weekdays during September they might be open to a group of 80-100 drunks having a party on their grounds but apparently that’s the kind of shit they don’t do. Bastards.


Gaaaawwwwd dammit.

My next brilliant idea was to rent out a summer camp and have an adorable Wet-Hot-American-Summery style wedding. I’ve never heard of anyone doing that shit? Sounds original to me! Could be inexpensive since….wait oh what’s that…oh everyone does it….summer camps actually have wedding packages….

Fucking bag of dicks.

They even have lists of vendors that you have to use. What the hell?

Enchanted Forest

Summer camp

What now?

Aquarium wedding?

Pizza Hut wedding?



Wedding Game Plan #234

When you decide to get hitched, no one will ask you anything that doesn’t pertain to your imminent hitching until you get your damn self hitched. You can learn to breathe fire while tight rope walking and people will still be like, “Uh huh, girl, that’s cool, so are you having bridesmaids?”

In my twenties I was an attention whore to the nth degree. I did a lot of things that I wouldn’t in a million years do now. We don’t even need to discuss that shit. Suffice to say, I was rather self obsessed (as we tend to be at 22) and took myself very seriously. Nowadays, it’s hard for me to take anything very seriously. Especially myself. Therefore, talking endlessly about myself and this ONE DAY that I’m planning A FUCKING YEAR FROM NOW is uncomfortable. I’ve never felt more narcissistic than I have this last month while discussing our upcoming nuptials.

Every time we see friends, co-workers or I see clients at work everyone asks. And we have nothing to tell them. No planning has been done. We have no more idea now than we did two months ago and I’m pretty okay with that.

My newest fantasy is to say fuck it all and get married on a glacier in Iceland.

Did you know how effin’ cheap it is to fly to Iceland and use it as a stopover to get to Europe? IcelandAir is trying to bump up tourism by encouraging people to fly there before hopping over to Europe. You can book a ticket to multiple cities from their website. A trip from Seattle to Iceland to Amsterdamn and back home costs only $980! So cheap!!! Add to that I’ve been wanting to go to Iceland as long as I can remember and it seems a perfect way to combine wedding and honeymoon plans.




But come on!!! How can you not love that?? Oh and I did I mention the abundance of ponies?

Iceland - Lon Valley: Eastfjord Ponies

Emo ponies!

I like polls. They entertain me.

Finding Deep Meaning In Wedding Quizzes

What did I promise? Drunken or ambien laced blog posts, that’s what I promised. And receive you shall. Even though it just took me four times to spell receive right. Damn “I after E except after C” rule.

Tonight we dined (and by we I mean me and the dogs since the mister is out of town) on a taco truck burrito, a glass of red wine and just a smidgen of ambien. But a smidge, my loves, just a smidge.

What better thing to do on a night in alone than watch soul crushing, mind numbing wedding tv shows while taking the most vapid quizzes a girl could possibly find? Well, by George, I’d love to. And I don’t even know George.

My googling led me to this plethora of quizzes over at The Knot. Get it…the knot…haaa….aaa..a….aaaaah. Yup. I sort of already hate the Knot because bitches be getting paid to write such trifle. Also, it’s everything I don’t want to be in a bride. I don’t want to be desperately shouting at people on message boards about where I can possibly get the best ribbons to tie the ombre kittens to the balloons with.

Kitten reaching up at a balloon

I just can’t be that girl. Instead I’ll be the weirdo in the corner, getting drunk, having deep self worth issues and wishing I could make myself feel what I should be feeling about this whole day.

Depressive people are generally unable to imagine a happier life for themselves. It’s something about how we don’t think we deserve it. So take a life long depressive and tell her she gets one day where she can do whatever the fuck she wants, be the center of attention, wear a dress made of rhinestones and tutus, boss everyone around and make her every magical wish come true…well, you’ve got one deer in the headlights motherfucker staring back at you.


Just wheel this girl down the isle. No one will be the wiser.

(By the way Gord Wilding is the genius behind that epic piece. )

Due to my darling Ambien I couldn’t help but take a quiz on The Knot to see what my “bridal style” should be. After only 12 questions, my deepest desires were revealed!

“You’re a Casually Elegant Gal

Down-to-earth and still sophisticated, your wedding will be fun but not fussy. From gorgeous details (lots of leaves and ferns?) to a splendid location (botanical garden or a state park?), your wedding will be fabulous…naturally. Our advice: Don’t forget a burst of color. With a nature-inspired palette, it’s easy to have too much brown and moss green, so think beyond foliage and go for pops of unconventional color in hues such as chocolate brown and tangerine.”

I was unaware that chocolate brown was an unconventional pop of color. But hell if you’re pairing it with tangerine!
I’m not entirely sure what’s happening up there. I get that fall colors can be hard. Everyone thinks oranges, yellows, reds and…browns. It’s like you just described a drippy cheeseburger or a used maxi pad. It’s not a romantic color combo.
Dare I say that The Knot was NOT right about my bridal style? I do dare say that. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to take the screwball quizzes that some sweet and more than likely talented girl had to bang out, hopefully while half drunk and watching Pretty Wild on Netflix.
Quiz on, my comrade!!

From the roots of my hair to the roots of my family….

I spent a fair amount of my childhood living in a mobile home surrounded by goats, chickens and chicken murdering raccoons. So is it any wonder than a trailer park resort sprung to my mind when considering wedding venues?

Behold Hicksville, a trailer park resort tucked away in Joshua Tree, which is not just a U2 album but also an alienesque desert east of L.A.


When my fiance turned 30 two years ago I spent months planning a super, sneaky secret trip to Hicksville with a group of his best friends. Even though it was February and we froze our respective balls and tits off, it was truly a magical time.

There’s a hot tub, a giant tipi, ping pong, a shooting range (with bb guns and bows and arrows), a free juke box that blasts amazing music through the resort, a wee little pool and a bunch of themed trailers.

gun glasses


For the me and the mister, I rented The Sideshow, a carnival themed trailer complete with it’s own fortune teller and more importantly, it’s own bathroom.


If I’m going to be really honest about where as a person should get married (and I’m being told repeatedly that it’s all about me and who we are) then quite frankly a barn is not what I need. It’s a god damn trailer park.

No place I’ve ever visited, other than New Orleans, has gotten me as jacked up as this place. I was squealing almost constantly with sheer joy. The white trash, goat hugging girl of my youth is just snortin’ and roarin’ to come out.

There have been some absolutely gorgeous weddings done here. Out of respect for the parties I’ll just link you to where the pictures are displayed. Gorgeous stuff. I was actually inspired and it pains me to admit that.

First a super DIY wedding over on Green Wedding Shoes that reminded me how simple and casual can be so damn charming. I’m in love with the bridesmaid.

Over on Please Note, Elizabeth crafted her friend’s wedding decorations, resulting in a fun party atmosphere and amazing photos.

Did I mention the added bonus of driving by the dinosaurs from PeeWee’s Big Adventure on the way out there??


The downside is that Joshua Tree is waaaay out of the way for us and most of our guests. If you live in southern California and you have a  slutty short wearin’ inner child with bad roots like mine, then this might just be the place for you to get hitched. Guest list has to be pretty small though, this place is tiny. But what it lacks in size it makes up for with trashy magic.

Barns and Bowling Alleys

Let us discuss rustic barn weddings for a moment.

If I see one more twinkle lit, mason jar filled, cowboy booted wedding in a slightly run down but still oh so beautiful barn I’m going to bash my head on my keyboard and run screaming to the courthouse with my fiance in tow.

They are gorgeous and sweet and make for lovely photos. And everyone is having the same motherfucking wedding.  Right down to the style of photography and the charming twine decorations.



Gorgeous! Magical! Cookie cutter!

The mister and I used to lay in bed a few years back and talk about what we wanted our wedding to be like. Guess what we wanted? Oh, just guess!

A country barn wedding! With mason jar glasses and hay bales for seats!

I’m assuming we both saw weddings like that on the internet somewhere. We’re tattooed city kids who love the outdoors but rarely actually venture to the country.

When did this barn wedding trend begin? The internet tells me that this trend became “So hot” in 2013 after heating up in 2012.

2014 is shaping up to be the year of ombre. No, really, I’m serious. That is particularly hilarious to me since I was planning on custom dyeing my dress to be darker on the bottom. Fucking. Christ. On. An. Ombre. Cracker.

Can I please have the job of getting smashed on moonshine and deciding what the next wedding trend should be?

I see 2015 as the year of the bowling alley wedding. 60’s style though, tres chic and with decade appropriate finger foods like cocktail weiners.