Stevie Nicks Explosion

I’m headed into my 37th hour of couch camping while battling a case of strep so severe that the nurse actually recoiled in disgust after looking down my throat. Instead of doing anything productive like learning to play “Landslide” on guitar or starting to write the epic teen novel that’s been bouncing around in my head, I have watched 25 episodes of Hart of Dixie. It’s not particularly entertaining other than having a dirty-sexy white trash guy who is sweaty and shirtless a lot. That and Rachel Bilson’s teeth. I’m happy that she kept her weird teeth instead of getting veneers. It gives her character. And I would like to see her boobs.

I stopped to google “Rachel Bilson’s teeth” and a list of hot girls with bad teeth was the first thing that popped up. WHERE THE HELL WAS THAT WHEN I WAS A KID?! My parents could have saved thousands on orthodontia and I could have been the mysteriously sexy bucktoothed/snaggle toothed/gappy/creepy toofed girl. FUCK.

Oh well.

The down time and subsequent boredom have driven me to finally make a Pinterest board for the wedding. It’s been a whole lot of me, sitting with both dog and computer on my lap, stoned on weed brownies (Pain killers! They didn’t give me anything except antibiotics and it feels like I’m swallowing pebbles covered in glass covered in razors.) and typing, “boho goth centerpiece” into Pinterest’s search engine. I kept telling people I want the wedding to look like Stevie Nicks exploded all over it. So apparently this is a smattering of what exploded Stevie looks like to me:

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head

 

 

At least now when I drunkenly insist to my fiancé that I want it to look like a 70’s coke den I’ll have pictures to back me up. Bless his heart, at this point I think he’d go along with anything to shut me up.

You know what would be awesome though? IF THE VENUE WOULD WRITE ME BACK.

The first event chick either got fired or quit. We’re on chick number two and thus far she’s got equally lackadaisical communication skills.

Perhaps it’s the weed brownie (medicinal pain killer!) but my paranoia led me to re-read all our e-mails to see if I’ve been coming off as a needy bridezilla (sweet christ I hate that word). Alas, I seem sane and perhaps only a little desperate for some answers.

How am I supposed to get overly amped about my Pinterest board if I’m not even entirely sure that the venue will actually happen? How can I make a Stevie Nicks Explosion with no place for her to explode??

If you need me, I’ll just be here with my ass molded into the couch, listening to the Fleetwood Mac pandora station and googling taxidermy rental places.

I’m Still Getting Married…

Here’s the nutshell version of the past few months:

-Put deposit on venue.

-Venue ignores all attempts to contact them for three months.

-Buy wedding dress.

-Get dress home, decide I hate it and feel like shit.

-Buy new wedding dress for less than half of what the first cost.

-Have all out fights over honeymoon planning and question if we could ever travel with each other ANYWHERE due to our vastly different desires and travel styles.

-Pitch Thailand as a honeymoon destination and get what was either an enthusiastic yes or a shut-the-fuck-up-FINE yes.

-Finally get in contact with venue, find out they upped their day rate to $33,000. But that we’re grandfathered in at the old rates.

-$33,000!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Plan epic vegan wedding feast with amazing chef at venue.

-Have random bouts of self hatred for caring so much about one day.

-Fiance decides he wants a giant American flag hanging behind us during the ceremony.

-Future mother-in-law suggests that our colors be red, white and blue because of said flag.

-Suppress urge to vomit at the thought of having “colors” let alone red, white and blue.

-Show mother-in-law bookmarked ideas for wedding decor/style and slowly shrink into a ball of nerves as she politely hates everything.

-Have weeping hour long talk with my father, achieving a level of cuntiness that I never thought possible.

-Have more bouts of self hatred for putting my father through that and for caring about a wedding in general.

-Feel like a raging narcissist.

-Wish we had eloped.

-Get asked 34 times a day by co-workers, clients and friends about how the wedding planning is going resulting in never wanting to blog about it.

-Look over at my dude,  breathe a sigh of relief that I still love that motherfucker and I’m so happy that I’m spending my life with him.

That pretty much sums up everything that has happened in the last few months. I have some hilarious dress shopping stories to share so I’ll blog a little more over the next few days.

 

Now I’m Getting Ridiculous…

My dreams of an Icelandic pony (MINIATURE HORSE, Arin!!) wedding have been shot in the face. The fiance’s mother quickly nipped that in the bud (fuck, I hate that phrase) by telling me it was too far for her 83 year old mother to travel. Suspicious, since her mother is flying to Costa Rica soon. Granted, I’d haul my terrified-of-flying ass on a plane to a sunny beach over a glacier covered in horses anyday…but still. 

The future father in law still thinks it’s a swell idea and is encouraging us to do what we want. So maybe the pony has only been shot in the leg and not in the face. We could amputate below the knee and still make that pony run. And god dammit, I know they’re horses and not ponies but PONY is a fun word to write. 

I’m not even on drugs currently and this is how my brain works. I am a mo’ fucking winner. 

Icelandic

How’s my hair?

In lieu of a super metal wedding at a black chapel in Iceland, I’ve come up with a more ridiculous place to exchange vows. 

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Welcome to Suoi Tien Cultural Theme Park in Vietnam. It’s the first Buddhist themed waterslide park ever. Shockingly…

Not just a waterpark though, since it’s a cultural theme park there’s also temples, rides and oddly, a place where you can feel crocodiles hunks of meat from fishing poles…

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I found this guy’s tale of taking his family there very entertaining. So much napping! I love napping! I also love dodgy amusement park rides. This place is perfect!

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Oooooh! Creepy elephant boats in very questionable water! I’m in love with everything about this place. 

I read somewhere that there’s also an aerial bike tour over the crocodile lagoon which sounds totally safe and not at all terrifying. It ties in the fiance’s love of bicycles! Perfect! 

Perhaps if I keep coming up with ideas like this, both families will gladly fly to Iceland instead. 

 

Wedding Plan #456 and #457 Thwarted.

There are no original thoughts in this world. Especially when it comes to weddings. Oh, your gothic cemetery wedding where you get wheeled down the the isle in a coffin? It’s been done, betch. Your adorable carnival themed wedding? Has been done better than you could do it.  Want a gorgeous and classy Alice and Wonderland theme? Too bad, they did it and they did it good. And don’t even start with your Little Mermaid shit because you got nothing on this broad.

My dreams (and by dreams I mean random thought I had while drunk) of getting married at the witch’s mouth at Enchanted Forest have been dashed due to them being fussy about renting out the entire park to me. I will not stand in line to ride the log ride on my wedding day! I figured since they close on weekdays during September they might be open to a group of 80-100 drunks having a party on their grounds but apparently that’s the kind of shit they don’t do. Bastards.

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Gaaaawwwwd dammit.

My next brilliant idea was to rent out a summer camp and have an adorable Wet-Hot-American-Summery style wedding. I’ve never heard of anyone doing that shit? Sounds original to me! Could be inexpensive since….wait oh what’s that…oh everyone does it….summer camps actually have wedding packages….

Fucking bag of dicks.

They even have lists of vendors that you have to use. What the hell?

Enchanted Forest

Summer camp

What now?

Aquarium wedding?

Pizza Hut wedding?

Guh.

From the roots of my hair to the roots of my family….

I spent a fair amount of my childhood living in a mobile home surrounded by goats, chickens and chicken murdering raccoons. So is it any wonder than a trailer park resort sprung to my mind when considering wedding venues?

Behold Hicksville, a trailer park resort tucked away in Joshua Tree, which is not just a U2 album but also an alienesque desert east of L.A.

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When my fiance turned 30 two years ago I spent months planning a super, sneaky secret trip to Hicksville with a group of his best friends. Even though it was February and we froze our respective balls and tits off, it was truly a magical time.

There’s a hot tub, a giant tipi, ping pong, a shooting range (with bb guns and bows and arrows), a free juke box that blasts amazing music through the resort, a wee little pool and a bunch of themed trailers.

gun glasses

hoop

For the me and the mister, I rented The Sideshow, a carnival themed trailer complete with it’s own fortune teller and more importantly, it’s own bathroom.

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If I’m going to be really honest about where as a person should get married (and I’m being told repeatedly that it’s all about me and who we are) then quite frankly a barn is not what I need. It’s a god damn trailer park.

No place I’ve ever visited, other than New Orleans, has gotten me as jacked up as this place. I was squealing almost constantly with sheer joy. The white trash, goat hugging girl of my youth is just snortin’ and roarin’ to come out.

There have been some absolutely gorgeous weddings done here. Out of respect for the parties I’ll just link you to where the pictures are displayed. Gorgeous stuff. I was actually inspired and it pains me to admit that.

First a super DIY wedding over on Green Wedding Shoes that reminded me how simple and casual can be so damn charming. I’m in love with the bridesmaid.

Over on Please Note, Elizabeth crafted her friend’s wedding decorations, resulting in a fun party atmosphere and amazing photos.

Did I mention the added bonus of driving by the dinosaurs from PeeWee’s Big Adventure on the way out there??

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The downside is that Joshua Tree is waaaay out of the way for us and most of our guests. If you live in southern California and you have a  slutty short wearin’ inner child with bad roots like mine, then this might just be the place for you to get hitched. Guest list has to be pretty small though, this place is tiny. But what it lacks in size it makes up for with trashy magic.

Barns and Bowling Alleys

Let us discuss rustic barn weddings for a moment.

If I see one more twinkle lit, mason jar filled, cowboy booted wedding in a slightly run down but still oh so beautiful barn I’m going to bash my head on my keyboard and run screaming to the courthouse with my fiance in tow.

They are gorgeous and sweet and make for lovely photos. And everyone is having the same motherfucking wedding.  Right down to the style of photography and the charming twine decorations.

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Gorgeous! Magical! Cookie cutter!

The mister and I used to lay in bed a few years back and talk about what we wanted our wedding to be like. Guess what we wanted? Oh, just guess!

A country barn wedding! With mason jar glasses and hay bales for seats!

I’m assuming we both saw weddings like that on the internet somewhere. We’re tattooed city kids who love the outdoors but rarely actually venture to the country.

When did this barn wedding trend begin? The internet tells me that this trend became “So hot” in 2013 after heating up in 2012.

2014 is shaping up to be the year of ombre. No, really, I’m serious. That is particularly hilarious to me since I was planning on custom dyeing my dress to be darker on the bottom. Fucking. Christ. On. An. Ombre. Cracker.

Can I please have the job of getting smashed on moonshine and deciding what the next wedding trend should be?

I see 2015 as the year of the bowling alley wedding. 60’s style though, tres chic and with decade appropriate finger foods like cocktail weiners.

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